Saturday, July 21, 2018

Why is a Gnome Suing You?

Hex a Day has a Patreon! For a single dollar a month you can get all sorts of bonus adventure material, and sometimes I write stuff for free, like what you see below.    * * *

 Why is a Gnome Suing You? A gnome hands you a sheet of parchment tied with a black ribbon. Oh no! You are being sued for…

1 Neural infringement. You share too many personality traits with this gnome, which violates his rights as a unique being. As evidence, he points out that you have also sued him.

2 Sartorial melancholy. Insistence on wearing armor everywhere because there’s no game-mechanical reason you should not is causing long-term aesthetic damage to civilization; this is a class-action suit.

3 Ex post facto corruption of blood based on the alleged crimes of a non-legal relative, delivered as a bill of attainder to be voted on by a jury not of your peers. This is part of complicated scheme to invent a modern-style constitution, which you now have one month to write and implement before you are drawn, quartered, and burned at the stake.

4 Ghost mischief. A lifetime of killing and failing to bury your enemies, combined with all those undead you’ve destroyed, has thrown the underworld’s soul-merit-tracking mechanisms into disorder. In fact the mechanisms work fine and a minor death god, having lost certain key paperwork, is choosing to blame you.

5 Aggravated but non-criminal assault because you ran him over during the last chase scene. Complex higher-dimensional arbitration means this case can only go to trial in another universe using other laws–you (the player) must find another game system in which to resolve the trial. Until then you (the player) are cursed to utter incomprehensible, paranoid ramblings whenever you speak.

6 Procedurally groundless and contentless lawsuit, the “Big Null.” All required fields are blank. Feeding this piece of paper into any computer, construct, or big mechanical thing will trigger a null-value collapse and create a short-lived sphere of annihilation* * *  Original article here!

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